


Scuttlebutt

by ros3bud009



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Discussion of Anilingus, Gen, Gossip, His High Command is Full of Gossips, M/M, Nothing Sexual Happens On-Screen, Optimus Prime is a Tired Dad, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ros3bud009/pseuds/ros3bud009
Summary: “You tellin’ us what I think you are, Bee?”“Yep. Saw it with my own optics and everything.”-------------------Inspired by the More Than Meets The Pod podcast. They know what they did.





	Scuttlebutt

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, yes, I've returned from being lost in a deep, awful writer's block for about five months. And unfortunately for you I return with this. Because of course I managed to break my writer's block with something this dumb.
> 
> But I had a lot of fun writing this so hopefully you have fun reading it!
> 
> This was inspired by the More Than Meets the Pod podcast, a podcast by two queer ladies who have captured my heart. Even if they have cursed me with this true and real fact about Starscream. 
> 
> You can check them out on twitter at https://twitter.com/MTMTPod and also look them up wherever you listen to podcasts!

It would be a lie for Optimus to say he didn’t worry when the Decepticons caught Bumblebee while he was on a surveillance mission in the Nemesis.

Optimus worried for all his soldiers when they were held captive, either to be pumped for all the information they may possess, to be used for the skills they had that the Cons needed, to be dangled as a bargaining chip, or some combination therein. And it wasn’t uncommon for his soldiers to return more dented and bleeding than they had been when they were first captured.

But Bumblebee?

He was small and unintimidating looking, but he was also an accomplished spy; naturally skilled and finely honed under Jazz’s tutelage.

So it came as no surprise when Bumblebee returned before dawn the next day, saluting Optimus with a slag-eating grin on his face as he asked for a chance to shower before the debrief.

So unsurprising in fact that when Optimus had issued the request for his high command to meet for Bumblebee’s debrief, there weren’t any conflicts. They had all cleared time for Bumblebee’s inevitable return.

“—so best I can tell, Skywarp and Thundercracker have patched things up, so playing on that rift is out. _But_ , I saw the Coneheads getting into it while trying to trade with Swindle. Looks like Thrust wants to start dating outside the trine considering how hard he was hitting on Swindle – _badly_ , for the record – and Dirge was _not_ having it—”

And, unfortunately, Optimus wasn’t the least bit surprised that most of what Bumblebee had gathered was social intel.

More commonly referred to as gossip.

But, for as salacious as it felt to sit around discussing the ins and outs of the Decepticons’ relationships with each other, it had its uses. Knowing about the month long fight between Thundercracker and Skywarp that ended with them both pointedly giving the other the silent treatment had allowed the Autobots to take advantage of that breakdown in communication in the last half dozen fights.

“That it for the flyboys then?” Ironhide asked as Bumblebee wrapped up his recount of the Coneheads’ disastrous attempt at discussing their feelings.

Bumblebee’s pedes swung where they didn’t quite reach the floor.

“Well… I did see something else but I dunno that it’s important,” Bumblebee said, feigning indecision and quite badly at that. One of his pedes had started to bounce tellingly.

Jazz snorted and Ratchet shamelessly pointed out, “As if these debriefs aren’t as much about gossiping as they are intel gathering.”

Optimus gave Ratchet a look that he hoped was disapproving but more likely landed on exasperated. Ratchet shrugged it off with a simple, “Well, they are.”

“Every detail, no matter how small or indelicate, has the potential to be essential information,” Prowl insisted with a frown that actually managed to convey his disapproval. Ratchet’s weren’t the only optics that rolled in response, but Prowl ignored them all as he pressed, “Bumblebee, please continue.”

Bumblebee’s optics nearly sparkled with how brightly they glowed.

“Well, I did catch Starscream and Megatron going at it.”

 Prowl nodded professionally as his stylus whipped across his datapad to start a new section of notes. Optimus couldn’t be sure if he was purposefully ignoring the way the other high command officers were reacting to the lewd implication or genuinely hadn’t caught it himself. Either way, it was up to Optimus to try yet again to exude his disapproval of the frankly immature behavior.

“And what were they arguing about this time?” Prowl asked.

“Oh, they weren’t arguing. For once.”

Finally Prowl looked up, doorwings flicking as he noticed the underlying amusement of almost everyone else in the room. He looked over at Optimus who could only offer commiseration in the form of a tired sigh. There was hopeless desperation tinting his tone as Prowl asked, “Were they having a non-argumentative conversation?”

“Kinda hard to talk with each other when one of their mouths is occupied, you know?” Bumblebee replied glibly.

And just like that, the room was torn between those who weren’t the slightest bit interested in further details and those who were voracious for them.

And, unfortunately, Optimus and Prowl were outnumbered.

“Spike or valve?” Ironhide asked bluntly as he stalwartly ignored how Optimus sighed and laid his face in his hands beside him.

“I recognize Prowl’s point about the importance of details, but there’s no need to discuss the finer details of their interface,” Optimus interjected.

“Aft, actually.” Bumblebee grinned wider.

“Optimus is absolutely correct, this level of intel dissection is unnecessary at best and frankly voyeuristic at worst,” Prowl insisted with increasing desperation.

“Of course the ol’ Slagmaker eats ass,” Ratchet said.

“ _Ratchet_ ,” Optimus reprimanded, not quite sure what the human phrase ‘eats ass’ meant but simultaneously sure he’d regret finding out.

“What? All I’m saying is that it’s hardly surprising--”

“—Except you got it flipped, Ratchet,” Bumblebee interrupted.

The room went silent as all optics turned to Bumblebee who was radiating pure mischievous glee.

Then, for the first time since starting the meeting, Jazz spoke up.

“You tellin’ us what I think you are, Bee?”

“Yep. Saw it with my own optics and everything.”

“Starscream eats ass?”

“Starscream eats ass.”

Pandemonium broke out.

“No way. Starscream? _Starscream_ eats ass?”

“Listen, I was there, in the air duct above them, and I can confirm with one hundred percent certainty: Starscream eats ass.”

“Huh. What’d’ya know. Starscream eats ass.”

And on it went, seemingly endless repetitions of the same phrase with different inflections building off one another. At first mostly questioning, and then understanding in either horror or awe or something far too close to respect for Optimus’s tastes. It seemed infectious and impossible to contain.

“ _Starscream_ eats ass.”

“Starscream _eats ass_.”

“Starscream eats ass!”

“ _Enough_!” Optimus ordered as he got to his feet. As quickly as the cacophony began it ended as every optic and visor in the room turned to him. After taking a moment to gather his wits, Optimus continued, calmer but just as sternly, “I do not want to hear the phrase ‘Starscream eats ass’ anymore. Understood?”

In his periphery, Optimus noted Prowl erasing the phrase ‘Starscream eats ass’ from his notes and starting to replace it with a much more clinical description of the act. Optimus only read as far as ‘Starscream enjoys orally stimulating’ before looking away to avoid reading the rest.

“Now,” Optimus went on, “is there anything else you had to share, Bumblebee?”

“Nope.” Bumblebee did not meet Optimus’s optics, though judging by how his pedes still bounced, he didn’t feel _that_ guilty about the mayhem wrought by his revelation about the Decepticon Second. “Am I dismissed, Sir?”

“Yes, I think that’s for the best. You’re all dismissed.”

Bumblebee had never been so quick to rejoin the crew, and Optimus had little doubt it was the share his prize with them all. Ratchet was next out the door, murmuring something about the fun being over and getting back to the grind. Prowl and Jazz walked out together to facilitate sending a copy of Prowl’s notes to Jazz’s datapad, but once there Jazz split off down the hall, immediately calling out, “Hey, Blaster, you wanna hear the latest and greatest?”

Prowl pointedly turned on his heel to speedwalk in the opposite direction. Optimus regretted not immediately following as Jazz’s conversation echoed down the hall and into the meeting room.

“What’s the buzz?”

“You’ll never guess who’s been eating ass down in the ol’ Nemesis.”

“Starscream?”

“Hey now, way to spoil the fun. How’d you guess?”

“You kiddin’? Flyboy’s got a face just _askin’_ to be sat on ass-first.”

“Now, if that ain’t the truth.”

The rest was blessedly lost to the echoing hallways.

Optimus finally sunk back down into his seat again and pressed the heels of his palms against his optics as he cycled a long, slow ventilation.

“You gonna be alright, Boss?”

A moment passed, and then another, but finally Optimus looked up and over at Ironhide, the only other commander left in the room.

Softly, _tiredly_ , Optimus admitted, “I don’t even know what eating ass _means_.”

Fortunately, Ironhide didn’t laugh. Unfortunately, he did grin as he replied, “Want me to show you?” and _then_ laughed when Optimus stared at him in wordless shock. “What? Starscream’s not the only one eating ass.”

And, despite himself, Optimus took him up on the offer, if just for the distraction from having to think about the fact that Starscream eats ass.

**Author's Note:**

> Starscream eats ass


End file.
